The Dull Razor

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One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

“What’s the matter?” she called out.

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“My razor — it won’t cut!” he answered.

“Don’t be silly, dear!” […]

Good job scarecrow

The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road. “Look at that,” said the girl. “Not a crow in sight.”

The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, “Good job scarecrow!”

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To their surprise the scarecrow replied. “Hay, it’s in my jeans.”

Need Some Collateral

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

“Leave some ID, a driver’s license or a credit card,” she said.

“But my […]

The Humble Little Accountant

The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and […]

Blame the Wife

A man with a gun is robbing a bank. He asks one of the bank customers if he saw him rob the bank. The guy says he did. The robber then shoots him in the head killing him immediately. The robber then asks a couple nearest to him the same thing. The husband says that […]

Lottery Winning

A man and his wife are talking:

Man – “What would happen if I were to win the lottery?”

Woman – “I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!”

Man – “I won twelve dollars, here’s six now get out!”

 

Posted in Marriage Jokes

Creative Weight Loss

Wife: Honey I lost 5 pounds! Husband: AT LAST… you washed off your makeup!

 

Posted in Marriage Jokes

Marriage Certificate

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband : “Nothing.”

Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”

Nature’s Way

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

Compliment Fishing

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Damn, do you have good eyesight!”