Staying Flexible

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I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

She said, “How flexible are you?”

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I replied, “I’m pretty flexible, but I can’t make Tuesdays.”

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Wake Up Call

An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

“No need for that, young man,” snapped the old timer. “I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock.”

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Special Order

A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”

“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.

“But I want it my way,” says the man.

“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.

The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” […]

Military Etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

Your password is incorrect

I Changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect.”

Whenever I forget, it will tell me: “Your password is incorrect.”

The Cabdriver and the Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. […]

Chocolate Peanuts

An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts.

Driver: “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

Old Lady: “I can’t chew look I have no teeth.”

Driver: “Then why do you buy them?”

Old lady: “I just love the […]

Cab Driver

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do […]

Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my […]

Levi’s at the Garage Sale

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

 

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