Hilarious Short Jokes

Hilarious Short JokesColor

It’s funny how the colors red, white AND blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Wii U

Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down!
Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.

Hilarious Short Jokes – MoonWalk

Earlier today in courtHilarious Short Jokes
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Hilarious Short Jokes

Hilarious Short Jokes – Poke

Old people poke me at weddings and tell me “you’r next”
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Wheres the p?

Student: may i use the bathroom?
Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet.
Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: wheres the p?
Student: running down my leg.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Most commen lies

Most commen lies ever told:
“I didn’t do it”
“I’m fine”
“I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions”

Hilarious Short Jokes – New Baby

Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!

Hilarious Short Jokes – All Connected

Wikipedia- I know everything ! Google- I have everything! Facebook- I know everybody!
Internet- without me you’re nothing.
Electricity- keep talking, b*tches.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Color Blue

Totally do this to your friends!
Me: I bet I could get you to say blue
Friend: no you can’t
Me: what are the colors of American flag?
Friend: red,white and another color
Me: HA!I told you I could get you to say red!
Friend: but you where trying to make me say blue!
Me: HA! Gotcha!
Friend: Damnit!

Hilarious Short Jokes – Then why did you eat it?

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

Hilarious Short Jokes – Pass some gas

Me: “So I was sitting at this restaurant last night”
Friend: “And”
Me: “I really needed to pass some gas”
Friend: “And” Me: “The music was really loud so I did it”
Friend: “And”
Me: “I realized I was listening to my iPod”

Short Hilarious Jokes – Chess Enthusiasts

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Short Hilarious Jokes – Barcode

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

Short Hilarious Jokes – Marmite

I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

Short Hilarious Jokes – ROMATIC duck

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

Short Hilarious Jokes – Oi – get out!

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

Short Hilarious Jokes – Tablecloth

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Short Hilarious Jokes – Puns

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Pickled onions

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Pass Four

I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.

Hilarious Short Jokes – Reading-lamb

Two girls:

“I’m going to buy a book.”
“A book!”
“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Hilarious Short Jokes – Electricity

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”

Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Hilarious Short Jokes – Optical illusion

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

More Hilarious Short Jokes

Packet of peanuts

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”


A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

Bloody phone!

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”


I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

Two Eskimos

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.


I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

Catholic Converter

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

Man who shot my paw

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Water polo

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

Small suitcase

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.


I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went  –  and I got it.

The conductor

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”


“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”
“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”
“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”


“Papa, what are ancestors?”
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

Terrible shock

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
“She got a terrible shock.”
“How was it?”
“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”


“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”hilarious short jokes
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”

Good gracious

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”

“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

A bartender

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”

“A bartender, my boy.”

My suitcase

“When are you going on your vacation?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

Beauty specialist

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”


“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
“Yes, yes; go on.”
“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”


Always found in beds

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”

Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

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